20 March 2011

A New Chapter?

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life - as in the near future. As in summer and next fall.
I spent at least half of the school year thus far thinking that I want to leave. I feel out of place a lot, mostly because I have a really difficult time building relationships. Things got especially rough after fall break last semester. My friend group started changing and I felt very alone. If it weren't for my San Diego trip, I would not have come back to school for my spring semester. My trip was incredible, and I'm glad I decided to finish the year out, but it has not been easy.

Before my trip, I wanted to leave school because I felt like it was taking me to the depths of my depravity (which sounds melodramatic, but...bear with me). I felt isolated for most of this year (and then, consequently, isolated myself even more), and that caused a lot of problems and anger for me, that I only made worse. I struggled with a lot - I felt depressed, I felt worthless, I felt invisible, I struggled with some OCD and self destructive habits. I just wanted to be home with my family because I knew that they loved me, and I felt so alone everywhere else. Since the trip, and what think of as a renewal of my salvation, a lot of those issues are gone, or majorly minimized, and I could not be more amazed that God did that for me, or more grateful.

After my trip, I still kind of want to drop out of school, but for different reasons. Part of me doesn't mind staying, because my problems are not the extreme they were before - I feel more hope about thriving here now. But I'm terrified that, if I stay here, I will sink back to what I was. I don't trust myself to not turn against God. I give up pretty easily, and I'm afraid that, since there isn't much to hold me accountable here (or since I have a hard time finding it), I will be complacent. I want to leave school and go somewhere where I can serve others. I don't know how to serve here, or where to serve. I want to be somewhere where I can move my life forward, and I don't see me growing much in this environment.

But then I wonder...am I giving up too easily? Do I want to go serve somewhere because I'm still on a spiritual "high" from my mission trip? If I drop out of school, am I giving up a great opportunity to serve others in order to serve myself? I don't want to put my spiritual health in danger by staying here, but who's to say that I won't be in just as much danger in an environment like City of Refuge, where I'm involved in more active service?

(I do think more active service would be good for me. If I stay here I intend to get involved in things. I'm putting off getting involved now because I don't know if I will be back - I'm afraid to get connected only to leave). 

Anyway, those are just a few of the thoughts in my head. Right now I'm just trying to figure out where God wants me next - whether it be summer missions and back to school, summer at home and then school, year round missions, or something else. I'm trying to make sure I'm not jumping on something for selfish reasons and that I have God at the center. If you would pray for me, that would be super!


Love,
Scout

3 comments:

earlynovemberlove said...

I was worried that you weren't thinking things through super well, but this made me feel better about it. I'm praying for you and love you a lot! We could be accountability partners if you want, if you stay, or even if you don't we could for the rest of the semester. But if not that's okay.

Hannah said...

Definitely praying for you...I've walked through most of those questions and I know how important it is to really know what God is saying before you get inundated by what people think.
Loving reading your blog
:-)

Scout said...

Andrea - that'd be cool :)
Hannah - thanks so much! Would you maybe be willing to email me and tell me some about your decision to go to COR?