08 May 2011

Getting Personal

There's a lot going on in my life lately. I'm feeling very flustered about it all - somewhat excited and very terrified (among some 37 thousand other emotions). Here's a taste: 

My daddy went to the hospital earlier this week because he was having chest pain. We found out he has heart problems. Your heart is supposed to pump around 60% of your blood each time it contracts and my dad's only pumps 15%. Really not good. The doctors gave him medication that will hopefully bring it up to 40% in 3-6 months, but otherwise there's nothing we can do. 
He has to cut salt out of his diet almost completely to keep things from getting worse. This is pretty difficult because there's so much salt in everything. He has to cut out (or decrease significantly) a lot of his favorite foods. It's just another stress added to the pile.
For now, my dad has to quit his job - he's not allowed to work for a month. Then he has to find a new job because construction work is now too much for his heart. I'm kind of certain that he feels worth less or less masculine because of it. That's also really not good. I feel so badly for him.

Because so much is going on with my family both emotionally and financially, I am fairly certain that I won't be going back to school. It's strange because for so long I wanted to stay home, but now that it seems like it's going to happen, I'm not sure I want to. I'm trying to understand what that will mean. 
I'll have to get a job. 
I'll have to make ties at home (which I haven't exactly done yet because we've only been here for a few years and I've been gone for two of those).
I will most likely start cooking for my family, at least half of the time - and cooking no salt meals. 
I will be home all of the time. I won't have anywhere to run off to. 
I won't be surrounded by people. 

Things go back and forth between seeming good and bad. I'm not sure if I can handle everything going on in my life lately. Prayers would be appreciated. 
However, God had been super amazing. Most importantly, my dad is alive. My teachers were very graceful over finals week. I was able to find a ride at the last minute - one that gave me time to pack, see graduation, and be dropped off twenty minutes from my house. I have a beautiful friend that I can (and will) write letters to to help keep me sane.

Anyway, I just wanted to share some of what's been on my mind of late.It's going to be an interesting summer. 

- Scout 

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